After nearly three weeks of non-stop Olympic competition, I can finally sit back, relax, and analyze the London 2012 games.
There were plenty of amazing performances to remember, and some I hope to soon forget. The positives include the incredible journey of South African sprinter and double amputee Oscar Pistorius, the continued dominance of Usain Bolt, and Michael Phelps cementing himself as the greatest Olympic swimmer ever. The negatives include match fixing in badminton by China and Indonesia and Belarus’ Nadzeya Ostapchek being stripped of her gold medal in shot putting for doping.
But in my mind, the worst part of the entire London 2012 Olympics was Ryan Lochte.
Everyone, including myself, was ready to move on from the Beijing love affair with Michael Phelps and crown a new media darling. The logical choice was Lochte. He has All-American good looks, he was the two-time defending World Champion, and he was ready to shove Phelps aside and become the U.S.’s main squeeze. But sometimes when you are so set on finding someone new to love, you can look past some glaring weaknesses and end up with nothing more than a “rebound”. Enter Lochte.
Let me now take a few moments to discuss why Ryan Lochte is the worst thing to happen to the Olympics since HGH.
His idol is Lil’ Wayne. Not Mark Spitz, not Gary Hall Sr., not even Michael Phelps. Heck, I wouldn’t be mad if his idol was Flipper, at least Flipper was a swimmer. I just think an Olympic swimmer idolizing a rapper is a Lil’ ridiculous.
He doesn’t win enough. We needed the face of U.S. Olympics to be a champion. Lochte won 5 medals (nothing to scoff at) but he won only one individual gold medal. He also gave away a team gold medal when his inflated ego slowed his final strokes in the last 50m of the 4 x 100 freestyle relay.
He tried to wear a $25,000 grill on the medal podium. In a moment that is normally reserved for national pride and quiet dignity, he wanted to make the moment all about Ryan Lochte. George Foreman is the only man who can wear a grill at such a moment.
He thinks he’s Derek Zoolander; he oversaturates the media. This wasn’t really his fault, but I feel like he should have let his agent know he wasn’t that good to save me from watching him drink a Gatorade and shave with a Gillette razor, all while driving a Nissan.
Before you start calling me a card-carrying Communist for rooting against an American, let me say that nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing the United States on top of the total medal count. I just think Lochte represents everything that is wrong with America: he is vain, egotistic, and comes in second. I wish America would be more like Gabby Douglas or Phelps: humble, likeable, and a winner.
When the Olympics start giving out gold medals for being good looking, I expect Ryan Lochte to be highly decorated. Until then, I will continue to wear my “McKayla Maroney is not impressed face” whenever his name is brought up.
