On Thursday night, Sept. 13, I received some devastating news. I was notified via iPhone that a football player that I've never met, on a team that I have never rooted for, was injured in a game that involved two teams that I hate.

Surprisingly, going commando isn’t a fair trade for vomit breath anymore. Even with her lady lumps hanging half-way out of her shirt, scintillating sorority sister Chugs can’t play off her previous...