Film plots can sometimes be so predictable that not only does the story suffer, but the pacing nosedives as well. “The Cloverfield Paradox” serves as the prime example of this catastrophe, and the only exciting element of the movie was its surprise announcement.

Just like the film’s setting, the potential here was out of this world. The “Cloverfield” franchise is no Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it still carries some decent weight in the minds of moviegoers. However, the straight-to-Netflix release began to make perfect sense once I realized how hollow, predictable and utterly nonsensical the plot was.

Featuring a cast of actors who you remember from that one movie you saw at some point, “The Cloverfield Paradox” literally drives every actor into a role of a stereotypical person from their country of origin. The Russian is weird and probably drinks too much, the German is scheming, the Brazilian is highly religious and the American is strong-headed and punches people.

I didn’t care for a single one of them, at any point. Each moment that should have elicited emotion was ruined by a follow-up scene that either completely ignored what had just happened, or transitioned to a terrible series of jokes that make the 1980-1981 season of “Saturday Night Live” seem funny. Rather than be thrown through suspense, fear or horror throughout the film’s pivotal moments, I was absolutely cringing.

There were fleeting moments when Easter eggs referencing past “Cloverfield” movies were shown. I almost smiled. But all these little nods to prior films did is make me want to shut “The Cloverfield Paradox” off and go watch something I might actually care for.

This is a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster written by a college freshman taking a screenwriting course to fill a graduation requirement. J.J. Abrams has released some products whose worth could be debated in the past, but there should be no argument about “The Cloverfield Paradox”: it’s awful.

My only solace rests in the possibility that in another dimension I didn’t waste 102 minutes of my life watching this movie.

1/5 Sails

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