Ooh yeah. To keep with the theme of this week’s paper, James thought it would be relevant to tailor the Top Five and follow suit. Always one to follow orders, I concocted a recipe of Top Five Songs to Get Frisky to — interpret that as you will. It was difficult to whittle it down to just five — I feel like this really should span several issues, but then you kids would just get bored. Well, honestly, I don’t know how else to further introduce this one besides that. So, hightail it over to Makeout Mountain — or whatever it is you kids are calling it these days — crack the windows, lean the seats back and crank up the stereo. It’s necking time. In the words of Bob “Sexypants” Saget, in totally random order we have:
“Full Grown” by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
The acid-enthusiast, blues-bespeckled madman Jon Spencer really set the mood for raucous romping with this one. Immediately shrieking alongside come-hither cowbell, Spencer launches right into the holler-along with, “Baby, baby, you sure like to [a word rhyming with duck, but instead of starting with a d, it’s an f]/ Baby, baby, baby, oh yeah/ [That word again].” There’s hip-swivelin’, blurting bass lines and plenty of strange electronic belches. From the group’s ’94 gem, “Orange,” the varying percussion, early morning requests of the erotic persuasion and group screaming…don’t lie, you’re a little turned on already.
“Turbo Lover” by Judas Priest
Perhaps not the most astute lyricists (rhyming “lover” with “other” with “lover” with “cover”), but these dudes rock studded leather so sexily, it’d make a nun sweat. It’s not even that threatening so much as it is enticing. Aquanetted promise when the Birmingham (England) bros pretty much advise the listener to seek a hiding spot…because they’re coming for you. “Love machines in harmony/ We hear the engines cry,” the 1986 warrior’s shout of coitus thunder over the rolling hills of knockin’ boots. You got your tassels ready?
“Physical” by Olivia Newton-John
Let’s overlook the whole left-her-boyfriend-lost-out-at-sea thing for a moment and shift focus over to that impeccably matched magenta ’n’ turquoise work-out get up Olivia’s sportin.’ “Let me hear your body talk/Your body talk,” the exercise zealot cooes before a scintillating, face-melting guitar solo. The video is really the libidinous part — Olivia as a glowing gym Nazi picking on the tubby dudes, hiking up the speed on their treadmills and hopping on their backs. It’s doubtful she and they ever did get the fun kind of physical.
“Why Don’t We Do it in the Road?” by The Beatles
Yanked from the perpetually-pertinent “White Album,” Paul McCartney makes arrest for indecent exposure and lewd conduct sound worth it. Sharp popping bongos (at least, I think they are bongos) introduce McCartney’s brilliant plan to, well, do it in the road. The blunt delivery and falsetto pleas make it an offer damn near impossible to refuse. And if McCartney’s persistent reiteration doesn’t persuade you, the bop-bop-bop parlor piano will.
“Do Me, Baby” by Prince
Yeah right, like anyone could compile a list of heart-thumping, honey-humping tunes without including sex the act as a person, Prince. This romantic ballad follows the same sort of route of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” as Prince invites an unidentified lover to “Do me baby/Like you never done it before.” The man can hardly get the aphrodisiac-drenched words out before succumbing to multiple orgasms — well, he kind of does succumb with about a minute and a half left of the song to go. But Prince’s O’s baptized with Casiotone at its steamiest makes total sense.
