Aries – Out of all of the other things that make up your beauty, Aries, you always let your hair to be your primary concern. Stop styling the hair on your head in a certain way. Stop growing out your beard to impress your fellow bikers. Stop shaving your legs to keep your partner happy. Beauty fashions itself not in physical stylings, but in how prepared you are for your paper due next Wednesday.
Pisces – Please, Pisces. Pestering peppers prior to preparing them to put on the primary layer of your pleasantly potent portobello mushroom burger? That just pisses off the popular people to whom you present yourself. Persnickety persons perceive your preciously sensitive character as a pretty poor weakness. The proportions of the skies beg of us to properly permit you to purposefully stay away from that presumptuous nature you got going on at practically every party.
Aquarius – OK, ‘Quari, you know that birthday month is a couple months away — in another season, in fact. Your thought process may allow you to believe that giving gifts to your younger, Halloween-loving October birthday friends fails to prove that your friendship actually means something. Well guess what? Your buddies get really mad when you come to their birthday celebrations empty-handed! Bring an extra 12-pack of PBR to your freshly turned 21-year-old pal this month. He’ll have your back come winter.
Capricorn – Cappy, oh Cappy, baby. You hate those nicknames! Is it that you’re jealous that others have better nicknames, young Capricorn? Oh come on, Panic! At the Disco wrote a song lyric with you in it! How dare you show your anger for entrance in popular culture by staying away from other aspects of it? Cutesy names have evolved into the 21st century as a social norm. Welcome it.
Sagittarius – Believe us, Sag. Although you enjoy the pet name, doesn’t mean that you have to actually go with it in real life! Listen to your Capricorn friends. The pedestrians walking behind you really hate your red-and-white-with-a-little-bit-of-green-thrown-in-the-mix-striped boxers as your luscious brunette hair blows in the autumn winds. Take a trip to the St. Johns Town Center and pick up a belt. Your mom will be oh-so proud.
Scorpio – So which is worse, Scorpio, the sting or the bite? Yes, the tasty Blood Mary you made last Saturday for you and the rest of your of-age friends had that extra dash of Tabasco sauce that jolted their innards, but what if that bite was a little too much? We know you like to sting people, whether metaphorically or otherwise, but try to keep the shocks you love away from alcoholic beverages.
Libra — There’s been some cheating in your life, lofty Libra. No, we don’t mean that text you got three days ago that your significant other keeps pestering you about. (Don’t worry, the pestering ends Oct. 23.) Rather, the stars noticed some shifty pupils behind you in those two lecture classes of yours, with some pretty shifty eyeballs to boot. Just make sure you’re covering your F-289 Scantron nicely, and you won’t get yourself involved in any scandal.
Virgo – It’s time to have some fun, Virgo. Hey, get that thought of T.P.’ing the Gandhi statue out of your head! It’s kind of like The Beatles put it, “Happiness is a warm [paintball] gun.” OK, maybe they commented on the socio-political issues of the 1970s, but the stars just want you to go out and get playful. Whether you paintball, skateboard or just plain crip walk, fun-fill your week.
Leo – Why do you like dry erase markers so much? Last week the heavens watched you go frantic in the Library study rooms when you forgot that blue Expo marker. Your group mates freaked out a bit — keep it cool, Leo. Your addiction to those squeaky markers comprises the rather relaxed nature you’ve had this past month. To improve for next time, just keep two in your knapsack. Crisis averted.
Cancer – We don’t get you, Cancer. You wore UNF sweatshirts every day when it was in the 90s outside. Now that everyone else is wearing long sleeves and sweaters, you revert to wearing short sleeves! The skies don’t want to hear complaints about your so-called bipolar body temperature and Florida’s bipolar weather. You know those Bright Futures people paying for your education hardly appreciate it. We embrace your non-conformity, but please, dress appropriately.
Gemini – Gemini, we know you love hanging out with your biological or metaphorical twin. But (s)he doesn’t want you hogging up his or her Twitter feed with on whose Facebook profile the boy in your philosophy class creeps on a daily basis. Instead, you and your twin should meet up for lunch in the Student Union food court. Face-to-face conversations provide for a better bonding experience, anyway.
Taurus – What’s with all the rage, terrifying Taurian? Has Halloween come early for you this year? In any case, all the anger pranks you keep pulling on your friends get you in trouble in the long run. Keep up those heinous acts and you surely will see your name on the Police Beat of the Week. Calm down a little bit and attend some of those yoga classes that in-shape classmate of yours goes to every week.
