PRO: Suburban mothers birth ever-growing worldwide population control issues

Spinnaker

The other week I was chatting with my 90-year-old grandmother about baby making. She explicated the joys of motherhood and talked about carrying on “the Nelson flame,” genes that need to be replicated time and again, in her opinion.

I introduced my opinion of population explosion to her and my concerns about ignorant “breeders” within our world. She fired back by talking about the surreal feeling of creating something and of course that new baby smell that competes with even the most expensive perfumes.

One word, Grandma — selfish!

Existing as a female in this crazy dysfunctional world of ours, I recognize the world’s need to put the brakes on all of the breeding for a hot second.

I mean, I think I’d make a great mother: I sympathize every time I kill an ant and I’m darn good in the kitchen. But because others have exploited their baby making rights to the nth degree, kids composed of my DNA don’t seem to be in my future. It just wouldn’t be very utilitarian of me.

Population growth is a serious problem. World population is blossoming by approximately 74 million people each year, according to the United Nations. If the current fertility rates remain as is, in 2050 the total world population would be 11 billion, which obviously won’t help clear up this whole climate change issue we’re all so fixated on.

What is interesting about our generation is that this is one of the first times in history where we’re aware of the problems facing us. But sadly I still overhear women my age talking about wanting to have three kids, an SUV and highlights in their hair by their 30th year.

I realize that we are biologically wired to think babies are cute and that sex is downright enjoyable to encourage us to reproduce in order to sustain our race. But people, I’ve got a solution, go rescue an adorable puppy to satisfy that “cute” void and for the love of god use a contraceptive (or two) for the sex part. There are enough of us for now!

I’m not suggesting the government implement a One Child Policy (like in China) or castrate anyone or force abortion or any other equally scary policy, but I do think governments worldwide should make a valiant hands-off effort to educate the public on the repercussions of rapid population growth and discourage families from having more than one or two kids at the absolute most.

I do think often about invoking an intelligence or parental aptitude exam for want-to-be parents, but then there comes the impossible task of defining intelligence and creating norms, etc.

Joe Rogan, former “Fear Factor” host, comedian and expert on life once said on a radio talk show that we’re just complicated bacteria (much like mold on a sandwich) aiming to become a giant collective organism fueled by those clever biological tricks (like the cute baby thing) to keep our egos alive and our race perpetuated. I couldn’t agree more.

UNICEF came out with a 2008 statistic that revealed that there are 132 million orphans worldwide, with 95 percent of all orphans being over the age of five. So here’s an idea if you just can’t shake that fallopian tube frenzy — adopt!

No your kid won’t have your cheekbones, but look on the bright side. You can greatly increase an innocent child’s quality of life, maintain that flat stomach and receive kudos from mother earth.

Yes, humans have the right to populate the world freely, but being conscious of the magnitude and rate in which we’re doing it is key. Give the obstetricians a break already and let them go to Fiji, because they’ve been pulling some major overtime lately.