Aries (March 21 – April 19) Since your moment of conception, Aries, you’ve had the upper hand on this earth. Simply by being born a human you were given the ability to dominate over other species. Don’t let this unwarranted power go to your head. Accept every chance to help your four-, eight- or 16-legged friends as your human duty. Each benefactor may not be able to show gratitude, but that warm, squishy feeling inside is always the ultimate thanks anyway.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Yo, Taurus! What is with the hostility lately? It seems like you’ve been on the edge of your seat with red block letter spelling out “DEADLINE” playing like a flickering projector in your peripheral. Yeah, it’s understandable that stress can really toss you into a sour mood, but think about it like a functioning human being: Does the added bite in your tone really get you your baked potato any faster? Hmm?
Gemini (May 21 – June 21) One of your loved ones is going to suffer an untimely death this week. Not really, Gemini. But what if they were? Would you treat them any different? Of course you would say and do everything you never had the guts to before, to serve as closure with your loved one. However, death is usually not planned, so it’s best to right your wronged relationships now! An apology that comes too late can never be accepted.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22) It’s almost too easy to be independent these days, Cancer, but is it fulfilling? Sometimes something as simple as calling an old friend can fade in importance as pop quizzes and dirty dishes pile up. Don’t forget the real reason you came to college in the first place: your innate desire to further the human race. Further yourself first — pick up that phone. Your friends are waiting.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) Look for inspiration, Leo. Most people have a passion for some sort of cause or endeavor they’d like to further, even if said passion is buried deep beneath an immediately apparent lethargy. Peel yourself from your sofa and your Netflix’d season four of “The Wire,” put a pencil in your hand and start planning. If you fail, there’s always the fifth season.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Remember that episode of “Pete and Pete” (think way back, Virgo) where there was that mysterious pay phone always ringing and no one ever answered it? It rang for something like 20 years, but you know what? If you should encounter such a circumstance, let it ring. It might continue screeching at passers-by for another 20 years, but it probably isn’t for you anyway.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Monochromatism. Do you know what that means, Libra? It means “fly.” Test out adorning yourself in solely one hue at least one day this week. It’s totally an old wives’ tale that yellow is unflattering on everyone, because it is outrageously good looking on you. Don’t stop at a pair of canary shorts and mustard-toned cardigan — incorporate a nice floppy hat the same color as your untouched highlighter. At least you’ll be hard to ignore.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Why was this the first section you turned to when you opened up this week’s paper, Scorpio? Are you satisfied being out of tune with the crumbling governments overseas, yet the first to know when any mediocre celebrity passes? If you’re looking for advice or future predictions, we advise you to write your own future: [insert here]. But don’t take our word for it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You’re tired and everyone can tell. Professors won’t accept excused absences and parents aren’t impressed with those “A-s.” Newsflash: You are not a robot, although our culture might like us to be. Sag, everyone has a breaking point: It’s not a weakness, it’s human. So, go take that much-needed nap, a bubble bath or watch your favorite movie for the 100th time. Exhale and remind yourself, “Ahh … this is life!”
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) There are no major financial purchases in your near future. Breathe a sigh of relief, Capricorn. It’s not like you could afford any, anyway. Save is the new spend. No need to join the rest of your loan and debt-ridden classmates in their sea of plastic currency and collection calls. Cut corners, cards and coupons and steer clear of infomercials. You have your whole life to acquire negative balances, so no need to start now.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Aquarius, don’t lie — you know that joke that goes, “Q: What’s the hardest part about roller skating? A: Telling your parents you’re gay.” Well this, like that yellow myth Libra was fed, is a total farce. Roller skating is the most fun way to transport yourself, regardless of sexual orientation. Or Rollerblading, for that matter, if you’re of an edgy mindset. Try dressing yours up with Lisa Frank stickers. Everyone will be so jealous.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Accidents will happen, or so Australian musician Nick Cave says, Pisces. You’re going to be extra prone this week, so instead of turning into a total grumpster because of this, consider preparing yourself. Roll yourself in bubble-wrap and beg your roommate to secure it with industrial packing tape. Boil all the food you plan to eat before ingesting it. Sand the edges of all things sharp in your apartment. Cut no corners.
