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The Three Types of Super Bowl Commercials

Staff Sgt/Kristi Machado
The 2009 US Air Force Thunderbirds fly over Superbowl XLIII in Tampa, Fla., Feb. 2. (RELEASED)

For people who don’t care about football or any of the other sport-balls out there, the Super Bowl has to be the strangest day  of the year.

A day where a children’s game is celebrated at the level of a national holiday might just be the reason we’re called “Ugly Americans.” However, the beauty of the Super Bowl is that it has something for everyone.

Since the halftime show entailed Coldplay desperately trying to show the world that their one famous song from 2008 still matters, the only thing for non-sports fans to enjoy was the arrangement of Super Bowl commercials this year.

Now it’s time to recap the good, the bad, and the annual awkward commercial that leaves everyone super uncomfortable.

The good:

The Odell Beckham Jr. Buick Commercial was funny, and Kevin Hart crashing his daughter’s date was a classic joke that has been passed down since dating became a thing. The hilarious Bud Light Commercial with Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen probably would’ve been the best, if it weren’t for everyone seeing it a million times already as a YouTube ad.

However, the winner this year probably has to go to the Steve Harvey Commercial for T-Mobile. T-Mobile was absolutely savage with its responses to Verizon’s bashing commercials with the colored balls, but having Steve Harvey redeem himself for the Miss America fiasco was completely out of nowhere and made beer come out of my nose. Also, Budweiser didn’t make an adorable commercial with a puppy and a horse this year. You lucked out T-Mobile.

The bad: `

There were a lot of bad commercials out there this year. There was a commercial with a man trying to seduce a gopher and a second ‘Captain America Civil War’ trailer (which once again hasn’t freaking shown Spiderman), but by far the worst commercial this year was the puppy-monkey-baby abomination from Mountain dew.

Seriously, the only thing I can guess happened was that this was a fired employee’s way of getting back at the company by switching the real commercial with this. This commercial is a new low for Super Bowl commercials, and maybe a new low for us as a species.

The annual awkward commercial that leaves everyone super uncomfortable:

For this prestigious honor, I was afraid that I’d have to acknowledge the puppy-monkey-baby commercial again, but near the end of the game, the NFL itself gave me the Magnum Opus that was more glorious and horrifying than I ever could’ve hoped for.

Throughout the game, the NFL showed pictures of kids wearing team apparel with the caption “Super Bowl babies,” which was referring to how nine months after a city wins the Super Bowl, the city experiences a “mysterious” surge of births. By itself this was a funny thing to do, but late in the game the Super Bowl babies joined as a choir and started doing a parody of “Kiss From a Rose.” The parody was literally about their parents doing the inverted monkey dance after their team won the super bowl.

You read that right. I was watching the game with my parents, so I avoided eye contact with them like the plague. Although this Super Bowl baby thing certainly couldn’t include me, since the Jaguars had never played a game in the NFL yet when I was born. But come to think of it.. I was born a little less than a year after the city of Jacksonville was awarded an NFL franchi-… oh God.

Years of therapy won’t be able to save those kids from the moment they watch that commercial as adults, and it won’t be able to save me from this horrifying epiphany I just had, but this commercial definitely wins this award by a country mile. After all, it’s hard to imagine a more awkward commercial than the Super Bowl babies singing about their parents having sex.


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