You’re doing it wrong

Lindsay Montgomery

By: Ellie M., Sex & Relationship Columnist

 

Sex can be literally breathtaking when done right. But chances are, not all of you are completely satisfied in bed — have you been settling for less than your body demands?

Maybe your sex life is a little flat … on the bed … every time. If doing the dirty feels too squeaky clean, it’s time to try something new. For those who need a tamer segue into being bold: throw some pillows on the floor, and have sex there instead. Or, try a position you’ve never done before — it doesn’t have to be anything crazy.

Even a subtle change of pace can be rewarding. And trying something novel with your lover creates a bond unique to your relationship, which will bring you closer.

If you’re ready for more, don’t be afraid to discuss it with your partner. You can introduce blindfolds, food or toys; you can use scarves to tie your lover to the bed. Take leaps or shuffles toward a spicier time between the sheets — go at your own pace, just make sure you’re pointing yourself toward satisfaction.

Don’t worry if your experimenting doesn’t go perfectly — that’s not the point. Just enjoy it, and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves. Did the lit candles you set on the headboard drip wax all over the carpet? Put a paper bag over the mess and use a hot iron over that to absorb it. Consider any remnants souvenirs of your fearlessness.

But please, be responsible. Getting adventurous in bed doesn’t mean throwing caution or safety to the wind.

Even if you don’t want to make any big changes, communication is key. Discussing sex will allow you and your lover to familiarize yourselves with each other more efficiently than listening intently to those moans and changes in breath.

If you’re shy, start by mentioning one thing you loved and one thing you weren’t that into — nicely — while you’re lying in a post-coital heap. Tell your boyfriend how surprisingly nice it was when he kissed your ear, or warn your girlfriend if you didn’t really enjoy a certain position.

Perhaps the sex you and your partner have doesn’t need any revising. If you know exactly how to please each other, that’s great.

But it’s not OK if you only get around to it once a month. If you’re too busy to find time for sex, plan time. That’s right — pencil it in, write it on the calendar. Knowing when those days are coming will build extra anticipation without the frustration of not knowing when you’ll get that release.

If that feels too forced or too inconvenient, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship. If stepping a little outside the box to save your sex life seems overbearing, it could be time to find someone who’s worth your extra effort.

I wouldn’t recommend it if I didn’t know it could be done — being in a long-distance relationship means I won’t see my boyfriend for a month at a time, but I do know exactly when I’ll have him all to myself. That helps me be more patient in the meantime.

If the actual sex isn’t a problem, but you still aren’t satisfied, the issue likely lurks in the before or after.

The culprit is probably time. There’s a gender bias, here—women typically want more attention before and after sex than men. She wants longer, more elaborate foreplay; you want to get it in already. Try texting your partner dirty, sinful messages to get her riled up before you’re even in the same room. Alternatively, suck it up. Take a little more interest in her pleasure and calm yourself.

Girls, you could stand to give your man a hand, here. If it takes you a long time to warm up and you’re making it solely your boyfriend’s responsibility, that’s selfish. Does he get home later than you do? Watch porn while you wait for him to walk in the door — or whatever gets you going.

After sex, your boyfriend may immediately want to go to sleep or get out of bed. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling vulnerable and unloved, lacking the snuggling and affection you needed. Be willing to compromise, ladies. Don’t demand that he stays in bed for an hour, just ask for a solid 10-15 minutes.

Again, the most important thing here is communication — that’s true for almost all issues in relationships, whether it’s love, friendship or work. If you’re having an issue I didn’t address here, feel free to write in — I’ll give you an answer tailored to your question.

 

 

Email Ellie at [email protected]