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"Top Five" Delightfully Bad NFL Theme Songs

In honor of the Super Bowl, it’s time to salute the time-honored and horrible idea of athletes, fans and “musicians” coming together to ignite their team to glory. It seems no one is content leaving music to those that can actually perform it, thus we have the following five songs. Though this is by no means a comprehensive list, here are some songs that are particularly hilarious in a completely unintended way. (Noticeably absent is “The Super Bowl Shuffle” because it actually is a piece of songwriting genius.)

“Silver and Black Attack” – Los Angeles Raiders

Why was it an unwritten rule in the 1980s that you needed a boastful team theme song? Hot on the heels of the Chicago Bears success with “Super Bowl Shuffle”, the then Los Angeles Raiders would not be outdone. This is one of those songs with a serious identity problem: Is it rap or rock? Cliché guitar-work and a beat that was made on a Casio keyboard bought from the JC Penney Christmas catalogue make it sound like a song that would play while the credits for Beverly Hills Cop 3 are rolling. But what’s worse is hearing guys like FOX analyst Howie Long rapping. Howie nearly catches the mic. on fire during his verse when he proclaims “This Long’s not short on quarterback sacks/And I like to sit on those runnin’ backs!”

“Can’t Touch Us” – Miami Dolphins

While it is undoubtedly a horrible idea to get NFL players to rap, it might be even worse to rip off an already pedestrian, mainstream and looking back, dated rap song. The one saving grace to this song is imagining how much money MC Hammer got for royalties on this and what he wasted the money on. I’m guessing he spent the money on an eyeglass repair kit and a ham sandwich because this song made approximately $4.73. Hi-top fades and Zubaz pants are rampant in this time capsule of embarrassment and the “MC” on the song looks suspiciously like a young Urban Meyer.

“We Do This Together” – Arizona Cardinals

If you’re into white guys embarrassing themselves by fumbling through a rap song loosely put together in honor of unexpected playoff success, then this is for you, fair-weather Cardinals fan. The video for this song has only 20,000 views, of which, roughly 15 are actual Cardinals fans and the rest are people responding to make fun of it. “Big props” to these guys for giving a “shout out” to the defensive coordinator at the beginning of the song while they “keep makin’ hits like Darnell Dockett.” The best part of the video, however, is the “DJ” with a blank look on his face who is carrying a turntable and pretending to scratch even though it isn’t on. Someone should tell him he’s going to warp his records like that.

“San Diego Super Chargers” – San Diego Chargers

As NFL theme songs go – official fight songs or otherwise – this one is a classic. The song is super funky, but not at all in a cool Parliament/Funkadelic way (picture a bad disco somewhere in Wisconsin playing “Disco Duck” by Rick Dees). But Chargers fans seem to eat it up at home games. Watch out NFL, with lyrics like: “We’re coming your way,/We’re gonna dazzle you with our super play./The time has come,/You know we’re shooting for number one./With thunderbolts and lightning/We’ll light up the sky,/We’ll give it all we’ve got, and more/With the Super Charger try!” the 8-8 Chargers are coming for you!

“Here We Go” – Pittsburgh Steelers

Leave it to the hardworking people of Pittsburgh to crank out this masterpiece. This song sounds like it was written by the kids from “Saved By the Bell” and performed by Gilbert Gottfried leading a third grade chorus full of the most tone deaf children in the country. For example, some of the genius lyrics include “Roethlisberger is ready to throw/To Ward, Miller and Santonio.” I’m sure Steelers fans, being the douche bags most of them are, probably eat it up like a delicious Primanti Brothers sandwich (http://www.primantibrothers.com/). Don’t choke!

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