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UNF Spinnaker

UNF's #1 Student-Run News Source

UNF Spinnaker

Yankees to sign Kenny Powers

Courtesy of HBO Films

To shore up the New York Yankees atrocious bullpen after starting the season in its a new ball park, one game above .500. After spending over $420 million in the offseason to address its inconsistencies, the Yankees have signed mercurial pitcher Kenny Powers today to a non-guaranteed, incentive-laden, one-year $132,439.81 contract as a middle reliever. Agent Peter Thunderbird negotiated the financial terms with the franchise, as well as the recent endorsement deal with Trojan condoms. This will be Powers’ second stint with the club as he pitched for the Yankees in 2003 appearing in 61 games, with a 4.52 ERA, 82 strikeouts versus 20 walks in 65.1 innings, and going 7-3 with 39 saves.

The Spinnaker was able to secure an exclusive interview with Powers as he reported for spring training.

NOTE: I am publishing the interview verbatim and Powers’ language could be deemed offensive to some, so I will use symbols in the appropriate areas. Please note this interview may be offensive to some people.

Spinnaker: Hey, Kenny, it’s great to meet you. Thanks for the interview.

Kenny Powers: Do I know you?

SP: No.

Powers: Then why the f#%k are you calling me Kenny?

SP: My apologies, Mr. Powers. You just seemed like a laid-back kind of guy, so I thought…

Powers: Well, there’s your problem, Mr. $h!tnuts. If you’re here to interview me then f#%kin’ interview me. Like Yoda says in those Star Trek movies, “Think not, bitch, do it just f#%kin’.”

SP: I think you mean Star Wa… nevermind. So how does it feel to be back in the majors with, of all teams, the New York Yankees?

Powers: How the f#%k do you think it feels? It’s like I won the cocaine and whore lottery and all I gotta do are rails and bang women in the @$$. By the way, if you’re going to bang women in the @$$, use Trojan condoms. And if you’ve got ridiculously huge groin meat like me, use the Magnums.

Peter Thunderbird: Awesome job with the Trojan plug, Kenny. I can’t believe it… New York, playas!

Powers: Pete, shut the f#%k up. Anyway, like I was saying… all I gotta do is inhale that powdery heaven and tag butts, which is really an analogy for me to just pitch my balls off because all three things are second nature to me.

SP: I’m not sure I get the analogy, but let’s keep going. You’re entering a clubhouse that will already be under fire because of the Alex Rodriguez steroids controversy. What are your thoughts on the situation?

Powers: I have no thoughts. I care about Alex Rodriguez as much as I care about those dumb penguins in Antartica that can’t find fish to eat and survive. Why the f#%k should I give a hemorrhoided @$$hole about them? They don’t affect Kenny Powers’ life. For all I care, they can all suck Santa Claus’ d*^k. And if Santa looked like Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod would probably smoke that North pole like he was giving himself a hummer. What an egotistical jerk.

SP: Alright, since you are indifferent to Rodriguez’s behavior, how about yourself? Do you take steroids?

Powers: What the f#%k are you doing? Are you trying to ruin me before I get re-started in the bigs? Huh, @$$hole? Because let me tell you something, I will end you. End. You. Honestly, your daddy should’ve got rid of you by giving your mom a hard c^#t punt with a steel-tipped boot when he had the chance… or used Trojan condoms to keep the love juice from entering your mom’s used up pu%$y.

PT: You’re a marketing genius, Kenny.

SP: Kenny and Peter… this interview is over. If you have anything else to say, you can go to unfspinnaker’s home page and post your “edited” comments on our website. Good day!

Unfortunately, the interview was short and, honestly, empty of any value. However, you can trust the Spinnaker will follow the progress of Powers as he tries to find the success he was once had several years ago. We wish Mr. Powers nothing but the best.

*Kenny Powers is a fictional character on the HBO show, Eastbound and Down, catch their new season in August. Image courtesy of HBO Films

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