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UNF Spinnaker

UNF's #1 Student-Run News Source

UNF Spinnaker

United Soviet States of Osprey Nation

Greetings, comrades. Today is a glorious day to recommit our collective energies to swelling the ranks of the Red Party and paying proper approbation to our benevolent leaders in Student Government.

We must make haste, we have much to announce and much to celebrate.

Firstly, the bourgeois construct of frequent elections is no more. For the unity of the party and the people, the divisive practice of campaigning will be no more.

Our glorious leaders have chosen the correct path for us, and as is our part, we willingly march onward. Campaigning, even amongst our Red brethren, can loosen the cohesion of our well-oiled machine.

Furthermore, SG has abolished the obsolete practice of write-in ballots. Why deprive our great leaders their party-given right to carry this revolution forward?

The SG election supervisor, comrade Erica Richey, recently told the Spinnaker that this process was a waste of students’ time and money. And rightly so.

Why should the hard-working student be burdened with matters above his station? Richey also told the Spinnaker Oct. 20 that she applauded this measure because there is now “no chance of someone coming up from behind and winning.”

These up-and-coming pols are the future of this great Osprey Nation. Our benevolent overlords hand-chose these soon-to-be leaders, who in their vast wisdom know what is best for the mass Proletariat.

It is our duty, nay, our pleasure, to march in lockstep to the tune of Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza, our glorious national anthem.

Secondly, you may all now rejoice! Our newest security czars conformations have been swiftly executed. Their first act of duty was to now ensure safety in the newly completed state project: the Osprey Fountains.

We must remember, comrades, that freedom is a slippery-slope to dissent, and dissent cannot be tolerated, for it sows the seeds of discontent.

And we have no right to be discontent when we are blessed with such wise and virtuous leaders.

You see, dear comrades, the cameras are necessary to protect us from ourselves. We all know in our hearts that those czars must not permit us to roam wherever we please without the benevolent eyes of our beloved state watching over us.

We must also guard our Osprey national treasures at the new Student Union: the state sponsored artists and musicians.

How can we maintain a civil society when artists fear theft of state property from the proles who dominate the compound? A true and very real delineation between party members and proles must be up-held to continue this much needed revolution.

And lastly, and most importantly, we must be on the watch for dissenters. We must fight the Putschists!

Rest assured, Osprey Nation, the renegade rabble-rousers who had the temerity to ask our supreme leaders for a copy of the SG Constitution have been summarily and expeditiously exiled to the gulags of obscurity for their thought crimes.

Regardless of what the Putschists may claim, the shuttle runs on time, there are textbooks in every student’s backpack and there are state-sponsored gifts to be had!

We must remember that the Red Party wants what’s best for the Osprey Nation. We must not question the party’s motives, lest we engage in the terrible and pernicious plague that is thought crime.

We must trust the leaders of this revolution to inform us of what we need to know.

Our station in life is not that of a glorious leader, and as such, it’s SG’s duty to keep confusing documents, such as laws, far away from our feeble minds.

What matter is it to the baker, the shoemaker or the clockmaker how SG conducts its business?

Again, it’s better for us to not burden ourselves with the details of government, that’s why we don’t elect SG anymore.

In closing, we propose the erection of large and beautiful statutes in the likeness of the vanguard party members in SG as a meager token of our thanks for freeing us from the bonds of democracy, that most repugnant of bourgeois fantasies.

We have confidence that our party and the whole Soviet people in these difficult days will display the greatest unity and cohesion.

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