Words cannot describe my elation when our features editor approached me about doing a stripping-themed top five to complement our pole fitness story. As you may know, stripper songs are the song archivist’s holy grail: You can’t just do it any old time, but when the opportunity falls in your lap (sorry, I had to), you have to capitalize. My initial inclination was, of course, wholly toward ‘80s Hair-Metal. Those spandex-clad bards of yesteryear are represented, but hopefully this mix will have something for even the most discrimination pole dancer.
“Cherry Pie” by Warrant
It’s important to start with the basics. This is your prime example of a pole dancing song. It exudes the sleaze and slime one finds in a real honest-to-god strip club. The guitars are flashy, the drum’s sound have too much reverb and the writing forces listeners to question the validity of singer Joni Lane’s GED. “She’s my cherry pie/ Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise.” Lane breaks the world record for fastest mixed metaphor – first she’s a pie, then she’s a frosty beverage? Seriously, order a lap dance and slip the dancer a buck every time Lane uses a cliché.
“Worked Up So Sexual” by The Faint
Damn near every song The Faint did before two years ago was undeniably, unapologetically sexual. None were more explicit than “Worked Up So Sexual” – well, except maybe their ode to the inconvenient boner, “Erection.” The steady four-to-the-floor beat lays a solid groundwork for gyrations from beginners and vets alike. The ultra-syncopated bass adds a nice layer to the rhythm and Todd Fink’s lyrics about a room of guys encircling a dancer are oh-so apropos. “Hey, it is a job, it pays a lot.” This one gets a total of five out of five C-section scars.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Barry White
It’s important for every stripper to have diversity. If you can shake it to a slow, soulful tune as well as you can to some raunchy ‘80s tripe, then you know you’re worth your pasties. From the opening build, it is clear this is a climactic song. The bass announces itself and keeps a steady bubbly groove that is punctuated by wah-washed guitar stabs. White’s baritone lilts over a rather rapid beat. I could imagine an ingenuities dancer taking some liberties with the difference between White’s laid-back vocals and the peppy music.
“Electric Relaxation” by A Tribe Called Quest
Mid-tempo ‘90s hip-hop is the unsung hero of striptease songs. The beat is slow and grooving enough to elicit some tasty moves. If the solid bass, drums and samples weren’t enough, the rhymes are classic. Malik Taylor aka Phife has the best verse hands down, “By the way, my name’s Malik, the 5-foot freak/ Let’s say we get together by the end of the week/ She simply said, “No,” labeled me a hoe/ I said, ‘How ya figure?’ ‘My friends told me so.’”
“Feel Like Making Love” by Bad Company
In this song, as in virtually all others, Bad Company reminds us their name is a grave disclaimer we should all take seriously. With a chorus in which Paul Rogers sings (brace yourself) “I feel like makin’/ I feel like makin’ love/ I feel like makin’ love/ I feel like makin’ love/ I feel like makin’ love to you.” Well he’s certainly clear about his intentions. This song doesn’t even have the cheesy charm of “Cherry Pie,” “Girls, Girls, Girls“ or “Pour Some Sugar on Me” – it’s just sad. This song should and must be banished to the only place more sad and lonely than itself: the Monday afternoon graveyard shift.
