50 ways to get through Labor Day

Nick Blank

A group of friends enjoy their time on the beach in the 1950s. You could do that to, or you could spend your time doing something else from our list. Photo courtesy Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums.
A group of friends enjoy their time on the beach in the 1950s. You could do that to, or you could spend your time doing something else from our list. Photo courtesy Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums.

Labor Day is a useless holiday. It was established because of worker’s rights or something. It’s been a hundred years: who cares? It means you can get trashed live as an upstanding citizen for one more day before the classes/manual labor/real life grind returns. Before you read this, note that emergency responders still have to work, this isn’t The Purge or anything.

  1. Celebrate: WE SURVIVED HERMINE GUYS.
  2. Lament about all the cool UNF things that got canceled this week.
  3. Grill something. Burgers, ostrich, capybaras, seagulls. I don’t care.
  4. Drink/smoke/mainline responsibly.
  5. Use the day off to get a head start on the rest of the school year? Ha.

  6. Feel grateful the capitalist overlords have given you this day; don’t ask for more.
  7. Lament that Summer’s Almost Gone. Only three more months of hurricane season left though.
  8. Read thinkpieces about the meaning of Labor Day where internet squawkers use “Current Event X” to promote their political views like the writer who uses the holiday to bemoan socialism. I’m not saying the marketplace of ideas shouldn’t exist, but I wish someone would tie cinderblocks to the feet of the internet and chuck it into the Pacific.
  9. Make aggressive, ill-informed comments about the news of the week.
  10. Sports man makes political statement!
  11. Lena Dunham said something stupid!
  12. Soap bad!
  13. Injustice!
  14. NOT THE BEES.
  15. Be thankful you’re not trapped in Best Korea like this poor bastard.
  16. Start a juice cleanse. They work!
  17. Or you can only eat raw meat like this guy. His teeth, a deep shade of crimson, only adds to his charm.
  18. Read something depressing, like a map of countries at risk of genocide.
  19. Get ready for FOOBAW.
  20. On that note, mentally prepare for the Jaguars’ upcoming (5-11) season. Nice to know you Gus!

  21. Now’s the perfect time to get started on your underground bunker in preparation for the impending nuclear winter.
  22. Clean something.
  23. Contribute to Apple’s hegemony, buy Apple Music, and finally listen to Blonde.
  24. Put down your streaming devices for one second, you expressionless animals!
  25. Watch Stranger Things on Netflix.
  26. Watch Narcos on Netflix.
  27. Watch Black Mirror on Netflix.
  28. Watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix (kidding).
  29. Read a book? Nah, just tell people you did.
  30. Can we blame millennials for the decline in reading? I think we can.
  31. Read better list of things to do on Labor Day, that all weirdly involve Carol.
  32. Stay inside the entire day. Be a vegetable but don’t eat any. Maintain a steady diet of Stouffer’s, Digiorno and Ramen while watching Battlestar Galactica and the films of Richard Linklater.
  33. More like LABor Day amirite?

  34. Wait we still have a beach? Go to it.
  35. Finally check out all of UNF’s Pokestops
  36. Remember that “Damn Daniel” was a thing. You were all complicit in that.
  37. Same goes for the Harlem Shake, Soulja Boy and Duck Dynasty.
  38. Read Ulysses (~800 pages) in a day. In the end, you’ll hate Ireland, punctuation and the concept of Exile, but I’m sure this is the only way to accurately experience it.
  39. Scoff at people who still have to work: Big Retail, Big Gas, Big Grocery, Big Restaurant, Big Drugstore, emergency responders, air traffic controllers, people who work at nuclear reactors and tech bros.
  40. Think: “Wait, Labor Day is only a federal holiday?” Kind of loses its luster doesn’t it?
  41. Brace yourself:
  42. What better time for an existential meltdown? There are billions of things to do in the world and you haven’t done enough and never will. Most likely, you will do one thing, something you don’t love, and specialize in that thing. You will take on more responsibilities as time runs out to do other things. You age. You look back on life like, “Now I can’t do all these other things.” You’re not unique. You’ll outlive your pets. If you aren’t struggling with barely enough money to get by, you’ll buy things to fill the void, trying to answer the question of “What now?” Dozens/hundreds/thousands of people have suffered to make the products you consume. In the end, all that’s left is a headstone/urn and your social media profiles. Thinking about having kids? They’re going to die and their offspring will die. Sure we’ll prolong our lifespan at some point, but the life/death cycle continues until the sun envelops our planet in a billion years. Thinking about not having kids? You’re ending a line of humans having kids that’s going back at least 15,000 years. Bowie, Prince, Snape and Harambe died — you’re still here — is there really any justice?

  43. Stave off your inevitable mortality with puppy gifs and cat videos. It helps apparently.
  44. Look at all these deals. “More like Labor Month.” A human wrote this.
  45. Retreat indoors and see how much of the Studio Ghibli catalogue (roughly 30 hours) you can knock out.
  46. On the Road was published 59 years ago today. Check it out.
  47. Drive as far as you can (eight hours or so), notice how everything looks the same. Appreciate the world for its variation, and double back.
  48. Say a prayer for Harambe.
  49. Do more than pray — help build him the tomb he deserves.
  50. Donate here.

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