Horoscopes Jan. 13


TAURUS: So remember that rumor that Jacksonville skies were slated to squeeze out some snow last week, and it totally didn’t happen, Taurian? Don’t be surprised if a trend develops.

GEMINI: Gembalaya! Move it! Your sloth-like strut has really grown stale. Chug at least five cups of coffee in the morning and keep that trucker gum nearby. There’s no limit.

CANCER: Beware of that park bench, Cancerface. Yeah, you might grow weary-legged after your 37th rollerblading sesh around the oak tree, but DO NOT FOLD. Unless you like rashes, that is.

LEO: Eating while driving. There’s nothing more American than that, eh, Linus? However, this week would be a good one to avoid ingesting spicy foods whilst behind the wheel.

VIRGO: High choking risks this week, Virginal One. Try sticking to only runny foods. We’re talkin’ grits, oatmeal and porridge … and only those. And only through straws. Crazy straws.

LIBRA: (Mad)Lib, you know, people die from poppin’ gum too much, and you’re headed in that direction, buddy! Lay low on the gum and suck on some peppermints instead.

SCORPIO: No matter how many times you push your hair back behind your ear in that ever-so sexy way, it always reappears, Spike. Well, it’s time to invest in a hair band.

SAGITTARIUS: It’s time to whip out shades of grays to match the winter season. Orange and yellow can’t mellow you out in the same way Earl’s last name can, Saggy Pants.

CAPRICORN: Don’t go out and buy new supplies, Cap-attack. Didn’t mom ever teach you about frugality? Pens? Well, look on the floor.

AQUARIUS: Match your computer’s wallpaper with your mood this month. C’mon, Slick, your pet will enjoy seeing himself or herself on your monitor while you’re up late studyin’ and Facebookin’.

PISCES: Which bottled water will Publix lure you into buying this time, McFishwich? Try a canteen and using amazing tap water that you solely use to clean off dishes.

ARIES: Waiting 30 minutes before swimming after eating is for wussies, Hornball. Next time you knock back a few bowls of chili, triple Axel on in to the deep end and enjoy.