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UNF's #1 Student-Run News Source

UNF Spinnaker

How to melt down from meaty to meager immediately

If foregoing breakfast isn’t an option, try these tricks with any morning spread.


1. Before consuming any actual food (and you really shouldn’t), copious amounts of phenphedrine and Liporexall will give the dieter an edge over the lure of a hot bagel and coffee. Taking these over-the-counter drugs simultaneously is not only safe, it’s effective.

2. If the physiological need to consume food was too much to bear, a tapeworm will reverse any damage done. With the merely mild side effects of severe abdominal pain and weakness, this parasite lovingly feeds on unwanted calories and nutrients that leave the host both nauseous and trim. Ingesting plentiful amounts of raw beef, fish and pork that has slipped past the American regulatory system will allow you to catch the bug fast.


1. The quickest way to tighten flabby abs without having to hit the gym or expel energy is to induce sneezing, which conveniently can be done anywhere. Pepper, pollen and fluffy pets should be in close proximity of nostrils seeking a tickle.

2. Have an excessive hunger for the gym? Pumping up some iron will burn fat fast, but be sure to hold any breath and lift the weights with your back. Donning a beet red face with bulging forehead veins means it’s working.


1. Minced Brillo pad with a side of water is surprisingly effectual in helping the stomach absorb food quickly and giving you an accelerated feeling of fullness. The wiry bristles of the Brillo create tiny incisions along the throat and stomach through which food will later pass in half the time it takes the rival intestinal tract.


1. Late-night noshing can lead to early morning weight gain, so to combat the cravings, chew in excess. By breaking down food with a surplus of chewing your body is absorbing the nutrients it needs and by not swallowing, it is purging pesky and unwanted calories.

2. While it may appear counter-intuitive, an all butter supper is a solution to lubricating empty intestines. Want to take it up a notch? Switching to lard will grease insides at a faster rate, making food fly through.

If the pounds aren’t melting off after a day of strict diet adherence, pregnancy is a scapegoat for unwanted belly flab that will make the deplorable turn adorable. After nine months, rapid weight loss will occur.

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