Editor’s Note: This is intended to be a satirical piece and not to be taken literally. 

As some of you may know, being black isn’t the easiest thing ever. Long nights, early mornings and the occasional hair touching incident can really put a damper on things. But a long history of intensive, forced manual labor, having our likenesses impersonated for comedic purposes and having our physical attributes, culture and aforementioned history exploited by the Western mainstream white patriarchal society— which our blood, sweat and tears laid the groundwork for, might I add— for sport as well as financial gain aside, being black is also really fun!

While many assume it’s all dancing, singing and evading parental responsibility, I’m here to give the definitive guide on how to let you inner soul brother/sister free without compromising your morals, reputation or credit score. Let’s get started!

Step 1: Breathe

The first key to being black is inhaling and exhaling as much as possible. The act of breathing diffuses Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide, allowing the Oxygen to flow into your lungs and fill your blood vessels with life. Breathing comes in handy whether you’re at home, at the gym, dancing, studying or some fifth task. Trust me, taking long, deep breaths is a major facet of being black.

Step 2: Eat

Eating is another essential factor in achieving and maintaining your blackness. No specific foods are required, just eat what you like. Fruits, vegetables, grains, meat — you name it! Just try not to eat too much or too little. Unless you want to eat a lot, because that’s okay and I can’t judge you for that. Three meals a day is an ideal goal to short for, though.

Step 3: Sleep

This one is a little tougher. Most people attempting to achieve peak blackness often overthink this part. “How can I sleep when Atlanta just won the Golden Globe for best comedy series?”, “How can I sleep when Russell Westbrook is having the season of his life?”, “How can I sleep when Migos’ new album is dropping this month?” Fear not, aspiring black folk; these things don’t have to be of any concern to you. Take some of those deep breaths I mentioned earlier and relax. Close your eyes. Try counting sheep — white ones, black ones, whichever is your preference — and let the worries of the day drift away. You can only be woke for so many hours of the day, you know.

Step 4: Enjoy Yourself

Now we’re getting into the advanced stages of how to be black. Enjoying yourself is a lot less complicated than some people may lead you to believe. The first step here is to find out what you like. Music, movies, television — no matter the medium, try everything! Expand your horizons and try something new. Or try nothing. Just listen to the same few albums you always listen to and peruse through your old DVD collection for something to watch if you want. It doesn’t really matter, it’s your choice, do whatever you like. That’s the beauty of enjoying yourself: it’s a lot more simple than you think, so it’s kind of hard to give specific instruction on it. It’s almost as if it’s not up to me or anyone else what you enjoy or don’t enjoy. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Step 5: Meet someone you like

This person doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. They can be your friend. They can be multiple friends. They don’t have to be black either. Actually, it doesn’t matter what they are, or who. Whether they’re from here or there, good or bad, it’s irrelevant. If they’re good to you, then keep them around for as long as you can.

Conclusion:

A lot of people over think being black. Being raised in any culture — White, Asian, Arab, Indian, etc. — influences nearly every facet of your life. But does it define it? Well, I guess that’s up to you. Just try not to forget that you’re you first, and everything else second. If there’s anything we need to remember on a day like today, it’s that.

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For more information or news tips, or if you see an error in this story or have any compliments or concerns, contact editor@unfspinnaker.com.