If you ride a skateboard on UNF’s campus I want you to fall.

Not a painful bone shattering fall, just enough of a spill to leave you on the ground — accompanied by some pointing and laughing.

As I schlepp around campus, with the aid of only the God-given limbs, I witness the the utilization of modern technology. And by modern technology, I mean wheels.

I don’t skateboard. I don’t have the balls, or the leg-eye coordination to weave in between slow moving pedestrians carrying iced lattes, and I’m certainly not willing to put my face, or my pride on the line.

During my semi-daily campus trek from the Fine Arts Center Garage, to the Student Union, and back again in the unrelenting Florida sun, I watch as skateboarders speed by leaving my shoes and me in the dust. My Vans become envious as they watch the skater’s Vans fulfill their true potential.

By my calculations, if I were to ride a skateboard around campus, I would shave approx. 20 minutes of my sidewalk commute. That’s time I could spend sleeping in, studying, or standing in line at Sabarros.

I need to see a skateboarder fall, if only to assuage my jealousy. In my mind, I would say, “Look at that fool, falling in front of everyone like some loser on a long board. Good thing that wasn’t me.”

Regardless of my constant desire to see their destruction, I do respect the skills displayed by the skaters at UNF. It’ has to be difficult to navigate the lunch crowd, especially with those mini skate boards that look like they came out of a cereal box.

I’ve been at UNF since the summer, and I am truly shocked that I haven’t seen anyone de-boarded yet. Every time I see some shaky legged freshmen, I always tell myself, “This is the one,” but it never plays out as I hope.

Aside from you falling off your skateboard and sustaining minor injuries, I have another request: Enough with the tricks bro.

I understand you’re talented and can do that little weave thing. I applaud you, now how about you get to class, Ryan Sheckler.

I will continue to choose walking over wheels and quietly hoping all skateboarders fail, but when they start making hover-board’s, then I’ll make my move. That is, until I fall and some Biff laughs at me.