Editor’s Note: This story is satire, and the views expressed in this story are solely the author’s. Spinnaker Media does not in any way condone irresponsible drinking, and does not recommend consuming this much alcohol during tonight’s debate.
Hurricane Matthew gave us a five-day weekend, it happened, and now it’s time to segue to the Next Big Thing. The second presidential debate commences: it’s just the fate of our country these talking heads are squabbling about. Lester Holt and his milquetoast, indecisive-a– is out, with CNN (Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz moderate) taking the driver’s seat.
The Venue: Washington University in St. Louis
Et tu, Rams? This hellhole and their racist baseball fans need the hope. Now 2000 journalists finally have an excuse to come back to this city other than rioting. Drop Missouri into the Marianas Trench. This crumbling midwest metropolis is named after Saint Louis IX, a failed crusader. At least it’s the birthplace of Nelly?
How is the talent holding up?
A brutal week for Trump. One imagines Clinton dancing in her gilded mansion like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.
Entrance music
Trump: “Just”- Radiohead
“Exhuming McCarthy”- R.E.M
“Another Brick in the Wall (Part 1)”- Pink Floyd
“Nookie”- Limp Bizkit
“I Get Around”- 2Pac
Clinton: “One Way or Another”– Blondie
“In for the Kill”- La Roux
“Paranoid Android”- Radiohead
“Send Me an Email“- Tila Tequila ft T-Pain, J-Shin
“There’s No Other Way”- Blur
The Format
This is a town hall-style debate. A live audience asks questions, which are pre-screened by Gallup, so don’t expect anything too unpredictable.
I could swan-dive into a septic tank of policy and predictions and polls that we pretend to care about, but we’re all in it for the memes, the Twitter onslaught and GAFFES. You’ll be laughing, but it’s a withdrawn, “How did we let this happen?” kind of laugh. So get plastered and grieve over what little power you have. Some see this election as a rallying-cry for our nation’s future and others view it as a sick cosmic joke. If there ever was a non-hurricane-related excuse to get drunk, it’s this debate.
Spinnaker’s Debate Night Drinking Bacchanalia
5 Shots Trump’s comments are the first topic of discussion. It’s going to be a long night. Trump will promptly apologize.
5 Shots When Trump is busy apologizing (or whenever), he calls Clinton an offensive term relating to women. It could happen.
5 Shots When Trump brings up Clinton’s ad-buy (that she later pulled) aimed at Hurricane Matthew victims.
5 Sips If Hurricane Matthew is mentioned. IT’S NOT PANDERING, THEY REALLY CARE.
5 Sips If Anderson Cooper, who is good and cool, calls out Trump mid-debate. Cooper’s has interviewed Trump before and he’s not going to put up with any of his s—.
5 Sips If the crowd decides to mosh. I’m looking for booing, an interruption, a thrown shoe, anything.
4 Sips If Trump says he loves women.
4 Sips (each) Trump wriggles out of the apology by mentioning the following:
Benghazi.
Bill Clinton abusing women.
Bill Clinton’s golf course comments.
Hillary Clinton shaming these women.
4 Sips When any shocking revelation is revealed I’m always interested see what sordid details candidates excavated from each other in the weeks between debates. Last time it was Alicia Machado.
3 Sips Trump talks about “The Wall” in detail. Immigration was the catalyst of Trump’s surge in the Republican primary. It wasn’t a hot topic in the last debate.
3 Sips Trump mentions his Melania or Ivanka Trump in the apology.
3 Sips If Clinton looks devastated when the camera pans to her during the apology.
3 Sips If we get an idiot audience member. I’m sure CNN did a thorough job picking people out. SOMEONE HAS TO ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS BOB.
2 Sips Trump rambles over his time limit.
2 Sips Clinton looks disapprovingly at the camera like your grandma when she notices your drug habit.
2 Sips Trump mentions the success of his business and how rich he is.
2 Sips Trumps brags about allegedly subverting his income tax. Somewhere Wesley Snipes sobs.
2 Sips Either candidate uses an unfitting cultural reference like “Delorean” or “Harambe.”
2 Sips Sniffles.
2 Sips Trump sips water.
1 Shot Anyone up for Word association?
“Yuge.”
“Misogynist.”
“ISISSSSSSSSSSsssssss.”
“Emails.”
“Russia.”
“Wrong!”
“Tax returns.”
“Make America Great Again.”
“Bigly.”
“REAGAN.”
“It’s business.”
Spinnaker will live stream the second Presidential debate at 9 p.m EST.
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